Haven't felt this depressed in a while. I know why. Haven't gotten my anti-depressant refill yet. I changed pharmacy details - did it too late to receive it before my meds were gone. My fault. I can procrastinate to the point of whatever.
I hate being on meds. I'm taking 2 B/P meds, a thyroid med, a cholesterol med, and an antidepressant. I want OFF of them all! Today, I don't care if I love or die. I just want to be in a different place.
I love my grandchildren, but don't feel like a good grandmother.
I love my husband, but don't feel like a great wife.
I love my children, but don't feel like a great mom.
I don't like working in the business.
I don't like where I live.
I don't like having to lose weight.
I don't like not being able to afford anything.
God, help me be to be better at everything.
I hope I feel better about everything soon!!
Saturday, June 30, 2018
Monday, June 18, 2018
Back to Basics
Wow! First time I've been on my blog site in 2 years. Haven't had the time. Really? I just haven't made the time.
Here we are, June 18, 2018. Where have these 2 years gone? I'm 2 years older, not so sure wiser. I'm actually taking the week off. Not going anywhere, just enjoying some time away from the office. Something my sweet daughter, Kathy, has been on me to do for a while. So, I decided this week end to take the time. Besides, I'm hoping my "anxiety" level will diminish, my blood pressure will go down, and I can be a more relaxed human being.
Part of my anxiety comes from what happened last week. Not at work. Only in my car. First, I turned left at an intersection I am familiar with, but I turned into the oncoming lane. Yikes! Thank goodness the traffic was light. No one even bothered to honk. They just got out of the way. Then a few days later I was turning left into a parking lot. First I waited, signal on, to let pedestrians cross. Then I turned, only to turn right in front of 2 motorcycles. They didn't ignore me. Gave me the "bird" then followed me into the parking lot, passed in front of the space I had taken, gave me very intimidating looks. I responded with "I am so sorry. Please forgive me." And off they went, leaving me shaken and thinking I should not be driving any longer. When I returned, I walked around the car to make sure they hadn't left any messages! What a week.
So, today, day 1, I decided to read my past blogs. Interesting to say the least. I still don't have much to say, life is still moving forward at a furious pace. Where does the time go? My grandchildren are growing up so fast, my children are growing older (yikes - that makes me feel really old), my hair is turning grey, but my life is full. I have to keep reminding myself of that.
June 14th would have been my parents anniversary. Today, June 18th, would have been my dad's birthday. And, tomorrow, my dad will have been gone for 39 years. I thought about him yesterday, all day, because it was Father's Day. He was a great dad. That's why I found another great dad - my special man, Glen. A wonderful man, husband, father, grandfather, and a special human being. I sometimes wonder how he has put up with me all these years. This year we will celebrate 55 years together. Wow!! Love you to the moon and back honey!!
Here we are, June 18, 2018. Where have these 2 years gone? I'm 2 years older, not so sure wiser. I'm actually taking the week off. Not going anywhere, just enjoying some time away from the office. Something my sweet daughter, Kathy, has been on me to do for a while. So, I decided this week end to take the time. Besides, I'm hoping my "anxiety" level will diminish, my blood pressure will go down, and I can be a more relaxed human being.
Part of my anxiety comes from what happened last week. Not at work. Only in my car. First, I turned left at an intersection I am familiar with, but I turned into the oncoming lane. Yikes! Thank goodness the traffic was light. No one even bothered to honk. They just got out of the way. Then a few days later I was turning left into a parking lot. First I waited, signal on, to let pedestrians cross. Then I turned, only to turn right in front of 2 motorcycles. They didn't ignore me. Gave me the "bird" then followed me into the parking lot, passed in front of the space I had taken, gave me very intimidating looks. I responded with "I am so sorry. Please forgive me." And off they went, leaving me shaken and thinking I should not be driving any longer. When I returned, I walked around the car to make sure they hadn't left any messages! What a week.
So, today, day 1, I decided to read my past blogs. Interesting to say the least. I still don't have much to say, life is still moving forward at a furious pace. Where does the time go? My grandchildren are growing up so fast, my children are growing older (yikes - that makes me feel really old), my hair is turning grey, but my life is full. I have to keep reminding myself of that.
June 14th would have been my parents anniversary. Today, June 18th, would have been my dad's birthday. And, tomorrow, my dad will have been gone for 39 years. I thought about him yesterday, all day, because it was Father's Day. He was a great dad. That's why I found another great dad - my special man, Glen. A wonderful man, husband, father, grandfather, and a special human being. I sometimes wonder how he has put up with me all these years. This year we will celebrate 55 years together. Wow!! Love you to the moon and back honey!!
Tuesday, February 23, 2016
My Sister, Jan
It'a been a while. Just have had other things to do. And its been hard for me to write about my sister, Jan. She is such a strong person and has been dealing with breast cancer for over 10 years. She also suffers from MS diagnosed over 30 years ago. She lost her husband, Mike, 4 years ago. Life has given her struggles but she has always come through with flying colors. But it looks like her breast cancer is winning this time.
In February, 2015, the cancer was not responding to any of the treatments. In May, they discovered it had gone to the brain. Some radiation reduced the tumor initially but after a while that, too, failed to work. Since May she has deteriorated until today she is completely bedridden, cannot feed herself, or do anything for herself. At that time she was given about six months. She has long surpassed that estimate. She is under home hospice care. I cannot say enough about the wonderful workers at hospice. They are so caring and understanding. There are visits every day except on the week end, including someone who bathes her 3 times a week, nurse visits 2 times a week, and a social worker. There was a special signed photograph from Neil Diamond, her favorite and mine. He also sent some CDs and signed them especially for her.
I can't stay away. I love caring for her. I am honored to do it. My brothers and sister have been so very generous in helping with my travel. And her son, Tommy, too. Janna has so many friends here that have given of their time to be with Jan. Martha has been a Godsend. And there are not enough words to say how grateful I am to my wonderful husband who has let me spend so much time away. Even when we lost an employee and he's had to spend more time in the office he's been wonderful. He's the best! And thank goodness for the internet. I can actually work from here if need be.
Over these months Jan & I have had some great conversations. I've made my amends for all the dumb things I did as her big sister over the years. And the time when I ignored her because I was so jealous that she took my place when she was born. I was the only one for almost 5 years. How I was so happy she had to be in the hospital for her eye surgeries and the sleeping pills she ate from grandma's suitcase. We've talked about our trips to Norway and Germany, our cruises, especially our Alaska cruise with our siblings, our Lake Mead trips, and all the things we have done together.
I'm going to miss her so much. All of us will. She has been the glue that has kept all of us siblings connected. We've become closer since all of this. I've always thought that the dying process is more for the families than for the dying loved one. As long as the dying loved one is not suffering or in a great deal of pain, is comfortable, even though unable to communicate, there is time for reflection, acceptance, and forgiveness. It is a time of sorrow, but also a time of renewal. A time for reevaluating and realizing what is important in our lives. We all need this time. And I'm glad we have had it. I know that the last sense to go is hearing so I know that Jan will hear us to the very end. I know she knows we are here and that we love her very much. That's all I can ask.
I will miss you, Jan, but know you are in a better place. I love you, Sis.
In February, 2015, the cancer was not responding to any of the treatments. In May, they discovered it had gone to the brain. Some radiation reduced the tumor initially but after a while that, too, failed to work. Since May she has deteriorated until today she is completely bedridden, cannot feed herself, or do anything for herself. At that time she was given about six months. She has long surpassed that estimate. She is under home hospice care. I cannot say enough about the wonderful workers at hospice. They are so caring and understanding. There are visits every day except on the week end, including someone who bathes her 3 times a week, nurse visits 2 times a week, and a social worker. There was a special signed photograph from Neil Diamond, her favorite and mine. He also sent some CDs and signed them especially for her.
I can't stay away. I love caring for her. I am honored to do it. My brothers and sister have been so very generous in helping with my travel. And her son, Tommy, too. Janna has so many friends here that have given of their time to be with Jan. Martha has been a Godsend. And there are not enough words to say how grateful I am to my wonderful husband who has let me spend so much time away. Even when we lost an employee and he's had to spend more time in the office he's been wonderful. He's the best! And thank goodness for the internet. I can actually work from here if need be.
Over these months Jan & I have had some great conversations. I've made my amends for all the dumb things I did as her big sister over the years. And the time when I ignored her because I was so jealous that she took my place when she was born. I was the only one for almost 5 years. How I was so happy she had to be in the hospital for her eye surgeries and the sleeping pills she ate from grandma's suitcase. We've talked about our trips to Norway and Germany, our cruises, especially our Alaska cruise with our siblings, our Lake Mead trips, and all the things we have done together.
I'm going to miss her so much. All of us will. She has been the glue that has kept all of us siblings connected. We've become closer since all of this. I've always thought that the dying process is more for the families than for the dying loved one. As long as the dying loved one is not suffering or in a great deal of pain, is comfortable, even though unable to communicate, there is time for reflection, acceptance, and forgiveness. It is a time of sorrow, but also a time of renewal. A time for reevaluating and realizing what is important in our lives. We all need this time. And I'm glad we have had it. I know that the last sense to go is hearing so I know that Jan will hear us to the very end. I know she knows we are here and that we love her very much. That's all I can ask.
I will miss you, Jan, but know you are in a better place. I love you, Sis.
Friday, November 25, 2011
Birds!
Hope everyone had a grand Thanksgiving. And, of course, none of us overate! I haven't cooked many meals in our new place "the condo" but yesterday we cooked the bird, and all the trimmings. Had some help, I must say. Tom is a very good cook!
I have a puzzle I need help solving. As you may know, we live on the 10th floor of the complex. A very nice place to be, by the way. We look at the tops of trees and other buildings and as such, we are not in anyone's line of fire. But yesterday what did I spy on one of the glass doors and a wall on the balcony, but an egg splattered all over. Now how do you suppose that could have happened? And, it wasn't a bird egg, as there are no nests anywhere around us, above us or below us. Besides, it was to big to be one of those bird's eggs. It definitely looked like a very large bird egg - maybe a chicken's egg. But I've yet to see a chicken fly this high.
I guess there are a few possibilities, like, some kid with a sling shot, some high flying chicken, or even the ducks that fly overhead during the day looking for some water (of which there isn't much anywhere around here). We've had some very fast winds lately. My question is, do ducks lay eggs on the fly? Oh well, we may never know how it got there. But is sure is a mess to clean up. I'm afraid I could be blown away if I get up to high to clean that dern window!!
I have a puzzle I need help solving. As you may know, we live on the 10th floor of the complex. A very nice place to be, by the way. We look at the tops of trees and other buildings and as such, we are not in anyone's line of fire. But yesterday what did I spy on one of the glass doors and a wall on the balcony, but an egg splattered all over. Now how do you suppose that could have happened? And, it wasn't a bird egg, as there are no nests anywhere around us, above us or below us. Besides, it was to big to be one of those bird's eggs. It definitely looked like a very large bird egg - maybe a chicken's egg. But I've yet to see a chicken fly this high.
I guess there are a few possibilities, like, some kid with a sling shot, some high flying chicken, or even the ducks that fly overhead during the day looking for some water (of which there isn't much anywhere around here). We've had some very fast winds lately. My question is, do ducks lay eggs on the fly? Oh well, we may never know how it got there. But is sure is a mess to clean up. I'm afraid I could be blown away if I get up to high to clean that dern window!!
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Where am I going?
Today I am certainly not where I expected I'd be at this time in my life. Does anyone actually end up where they expected to be after age 60+? Maybe some do, but I think that most do not. In a way, that may be a good thing. What a person wants is not necessarily what may be the best. At least that's what I've heard most of my life.
When I retired from my nursing career, my thought was that I would have more free time to pursue things I had put off for many years, play more tennis, travel more, relax a little more, read more, yada yada, yada. Right! Little did I know. I should have realized what I was in for when, during my first month in our office, we discovered an embezzler. That should have gotten my attention. I guess it did for a while. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy my hands on. What I don't enjoy is how little I can control and how hard I try to control it. It's a fine line deciding when to let go and when to take over. Sort of like raising children. But that's a topic for another day.
I feel like venting about a decision I should have made several months ago. I hired (actually re-hired) someone, I'll call her Jane, (not her real name). At first I thought she was a God send. We had lost 2 employees and we really needed help. She called me out of the blue asking for a job. I hired her part time. From the very first I questioned myself. Did I do the right thing? Is she going to work out? Did I hire without the right motives? It became evident from almost the start that I probably had made a mistake. I had some real misgivings but continued to push them aside. No, I didn't fire her. She just decided she didn't like a decision I made and didn't show up for work for the rest of the week. That took care of the matter and made it easier on me. Thank you God! All I can do now is hope that's the end of it.
Now I have to take on a little more. Not only do I work 8 to 12 hours most days, I never seem to get done with anything. I've always prided myself on "neatness". I never like leaving my desk a mess when I leave for the day. And I have a hard time with a messy desk while I'm there. If there is too much "stuff" I can never find anything and it seems so overwhelming at times I don't know where to start. I am learning to just "dig in" and at the end of the day I make my "pile" beginning with the most important "to-do" on the top.
That's my life right now. I try so hard not to have regrets and most of the time I can do that. I have so much. A loving husband and family, good friends, many awesome memories, my health, a roof over my head and food to eat (way to much food), and so many other blessings. When I think about that, I can smile and love life. It's the other side of me that I have to fight sometimes. The side that sees the glass half empty instead of half full. When that side hits me I want to crawl somewhere and stay in a cocoon. Thank goodness I don't have much of a chance to do that.
And, thank goodness for my sweet, loving, and generous husband. As I reread my musings, I realize that without him, I would be one miserable "witchy woman". He has brought so much to my life. I can't think of ever being without him. He is wise, humorous, generous to a fault, kind, loving, appreciative, and has taught me how to laugh and see the humor in all situations that don't seem humorous, how to look for the good things in others, not to judge a book buy it's cover, and how to have fun in the midst of overwhelming adversities. He is my soul-mate. The only man for me. This year we will celebrate 48 years of wedded bliss ( yes, truly wedded bliss). I love you, honey.
Enjoy life folks. Life is way to short to have any regrets. And enjoy where you are today, because you don't know where you'll be tomorrow.
When I retired from my nursing career, my thought was that I would have more free time to pursue things I had put off for many years, play more tennis, travel more, relax a little more, read more, yada yada, yada. Right! Little did I know. I should have realized what I was in for when, during my first month in our office, we discovered an embezzler. That should have gotten my attention. I guess it did for a while. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy my hands on. What I don't enjoy is how little I can control and how hard I try to control it. It's a fine line deciding when to let go and when to take over. Sort of like raising children. But that's a topic for another day.
I feel like venting about a decision I should have made several months ago. I hired (actually re-hired) someone, I'll call her Jane, (not her real name). At first I thought she was a God send. We had lost 2 employees and we really needed help. She called me out of the blue asking for a job. I hired her part time. From the very first I questioned myself. Did I do the right thing? Is she going to work out? Did I hire without the right motives? It became evident from almost the start that I probably had made a mistake. I had some real misgivings but continued to push them aside. No, I didn't fire her. She just decided she didn't like a decision I made and didn't show up for work for the rest of the week. That took care of the matter and made it easier on me. Thank you God! All I can do now is hope that's the end of it.
Now I have to take on a little more. Not only do I work 8 to 12 hours most days, I never seem to get done with anything. I've always prided myself on "neatness". I never like leaving my desk a mess when I leave for the day. And I have a hard time with a messy desk while I'm there. If there is too much "stuff" I can never find anything and it seems so overwhelming at times I don't know where to start. I am learning to just "dig in" and at the end of the day I make my "pile" beginning with the most important "to-do" on the top.
That's my life right now. I try so hard not to have regrets and most of the time I can do that. I have so much. A loving husband and family, good friends, many awesome memories, my health, a roof over my head and food to eat (way to much food), and so many other blessings. When I think about that, I can smile and love life. It's the other side of me that I have to fight sometimes. The side that sees the glass half empty instead of half full. When that side hits me I want to crawl somewhere and stay in a cocoon. Thank goodness I don't have much of a chance to do that.
And, thank goodness for my sweet, loving, and generous husband. As I reread my musings, I realize that without him, I would be one miserable "witchy woman". He has brought so much to my life. I can't think of ever being without him. He is wise, humorous, generous to a fault, kind, loving, appreciative, and has taught me how to laugh and see the humor in all situations that don't seem humorous, how to look for the good things in others, not to judge a book buy it's cover, and how to have fun in the midst of overwhelming adversities. He is my soul-mate. The only man for me. This year we will celebrate 48 years of wedded bliss ( yes, truly wedded bliss). I love you, honey.
Enjoy life folks. Life is way to short to have any regrets. And enjoy where you are today, because you don't know where you'll be tomorrow.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
